{Girl Behind The Lens} My Online Self and Me.

Things of lately have been getting to me a little bit, mainly about the online self of me when it comes to other photographers.

I am opinionated. I’m not scared to voice my opinion whether I end up being right or wrong. But I am passionate about what I do and create. I also believe in standing up for people and if someone comes across with an attitude, I wont sit back.

I remember being on one of the forums when I was starting out in photography, it was very much when I was working as a second shooter. We could post almost the SAME image, but he would get thought of highly, and I would get slated. Its not easy, but it helps grow as a photographer. It then got to the point that I then was more aware of what I did, and what I could do and my work (from clients) were more highly thought of at times as I was doing most of the studio work, but again on the forum because I wasn’t as “well known” as this other photographer, and I was younger (and a female) I started “fighting” back.

I have been “walked over” for years. And those who have read this blog know that I come from a background that I was bullied throughout the years, and suffer with depression. If you only ever know me online, you wont actually know the real me. Even my friends comment that no one fully knows me 100% which is more about a trust issue than anything.

My upbringing has brought me up to be honest, and say what I think. If you have an opinion to voice it, and not being scared to stand up for what you believe in and are passionate about.

The problem I’ve found more recently is that when I joined a couple of groups of photographers, if you add other people in who are similar, or sometimes even not similar, something that you can say, can be highly taken the wrong way. And then one person has an opinion of your online self, then it quickly becomes other peoples opinions, and before you know it, you spend more time defending yourself and trying to correct people than actually offering sound advice where possible.
 
I say that “A Spade is A Spade” there is no point in sugar coating things if they don’t need to be. When I am typing and replying to things on forums etc, I am doing so with limited timings. Its not like writing a blog post where I sit and take the time to type and know what I am putting, sometimes it’s as quickly as replying to the post, and then going to a client meeting, or then off to a shoot, or even replying on my phone when I cannot type a large response and need to be straight to the point.

My clients and the people who know me, know that I am helpful and honest and will answer a question to the best of my ability. If you ask me what I did wrong, what I did right, anything I will answer it as honestly as I possibly can do.

Its upsetting to me to know that my online self is seen in some forums, and by some people as an argumentative, aggressive person who goes against the grain and just disagrees with people for the fun of it.

Where as other people in the same forums see me as a honest and open person who has passion and tells it how I see it and is straight to the point.

My online self, and me, is why I’m very close to removing myself from all groups and forums. The people who are trying to break me down, are not the ones who I look up to and aspire to be like. I say Thank You to the photographers who are self-made are full-time and earn money who are honest, and friendly and open and answer any questions I may have. You are the people who keep me sane.

To the people who are trying to break me down, who have this negative view of me, if its your own opinion then that is fine, but the chances are its your opinion based on one thing I may have said, or someone may have said to you. I would challenge you to actually try and find out more about me. And who I am, and realise I am just a person at the end of it. I have been through the crap to get where I am today, and I run my own full-time business and I generally don’t have the time to spend 20 minutes typing out a well pointed out responce to a question.

We can all take things wrong as they are typed as you suddenly remove all context and tone in which things were said. If you have an opinion of someone then you will read their “type” in that tone, and therefore go straight into defensive mode. Its doable. Im not saying that I’ve not done it.

What I am saying is remember that I am a person. I'm not just what you think I am.

 　
　

{Girl Behind The Lens} What is Endometriosis?

I suppose being at home in pain and almost a full day off from the office does help when you are self employed. I’ve been snoozing for most of the afternoon and decided I would write a new {Girl Behind The Lens} Blog Post.

The pain today is due to the Endometriosis I mentioned in the first post, and someone asked what Endometriosis actually was. I wasnt going to write this blog for a little while but I decided I might as well as it is forefront in my mind!

Endometriosis UK has some fabulous details of what Endometriosis is but to give you some more information in this blog I will do

Note: I wonder how many readers will click off after reading the next line (and how many of those will be men)
 

Endometriosis only affects women.
 

Following is taken from Endometriosis UK.

Endometriosis is the name given to the condition where cells like the ones in the lining of the womb are found elsewhere in the body.
 

Every month your body goes through hormonal changes. You naturally release hormones which cause the lining of the womb to increase in preparation for a fertilised egg. If pregnancy does not occur, this lining will break down and bleed. The blood is then released from your body as a period.

Endometriosis cells react in the same way – except that they are located outside your womb.

During your monthly cycle your hormones stimulate the endometriosis, causing it to grow, then break down and bleed. This internal bleeding, unlike a period, has no way of leaving the body. This leads to inflammation, pain, and the formation of scar tissue. Endometrial tissue can also be found in the ovary, where it can form cysts, called ‘chocolate cysts’ because of their appearance.

Endometriosis is not an infection.
Endometriosis is not contagious.
Endometriosis is not cancer.


To go into business knowing I had this was a very big step for me. Like today, I am in pain and extremely tired. Ive never flaked out on a Wedding nor do I have the intention to.

On a Wedding you run on adrenaline. And whilst the adrenaline is running high its amazing. A natural euphoric high! Its better than any pain relief I have been on.

Now if I could just get a Wedding per day, that would be some mean feat! 365 Weddings. WOW.

More from the website

Endometriosis is most commonly found inside the pelvis, around the ovaries, the fallopian tubes, on the outside of the womb or the ligaments (which hold the womb in place). It is also found on the bowel, the bladder, and the intestines. It can grow in existing scars from previous operations. In rare cases it has been found in other parts of the body such as the skin, the eyes, the spine, the lungs and the brain.

Endometriosis affects approximately 2 million women in the UK. It can be a chronic and debilitating condition. Endometriosis can impact on a woman’s life in a number of ways which include:
Chronic pain
Fatigue/lack of energy
Depression/isolation
Problems with a couple’s sex life/relationships
An inability to conceive
Difficulty in fulfilling work and social commitments.

It used to really affect me with Work (when I worked for someone else) and going out with friends etc…

I’ve got it to a level now, after two surgeries and two courses of hormone treatments (ladies it puts you through a pseudo menopause with hot flushes and everything), that it seems to be more consistant with how it plays up and causes me pain but doesn’t make it any easier.

I’m very much of “I’m dealing with it” person, it doesn’t rule me as I wont allow it to rule me anymore (I once did) and in the end, its just part of who I am.

I have been suffering with it since 18 that I am mainly aware of but all the signs were there earlier. And I got diagnosed at 22. Turning 27 in September. It has been my life for almost 10-years.

Endometriosis is a condition I have.

It doesn’t define me.

{Girl Behind The Lens} When did you feel Pro? A Discussion.

Wow…I’ve been a bit quiet on the {Girl Behind The Lens} Blog Posts! Sorry Guys, lots of things have been happening and Wedding Season is in full Swing.

One of the questions that I go asked to write a blog about, or to know more about was the question of “When did you fee pro”I am a full-time self employed photographer, I run my own business and it is my only source of income. When people ask what I do I am photographer, or business owner. I never describe myself as a professional photographer.

I think the word professional photographer is banded about far too often and there is a lot of emphasis on the term. Yet it is something that there is no clear line upon and people often put too much emphasis on being a PRO.

If you look at the WIKI definition of professional then I am not a professional photographer as I have no specialised educational training in it. I’m all self taught.


But then look at Ken Rockwell who translates between Full-Time Career Professional, Full-Time Photographer, Professional Photographer and Amateur Photographer - with this definition I am a Professional Photographer. And the entire discussion that Photography is not a profession does create the image that I am therefore a Photographer, who earns 100% of my money from Photography and run my own business.

So that helps in the fact that I don’t feel “pro” I am full time but I still have things to learn. The ones who say they have learnt everything, I disagree. Every single day is a lesson. You have no idea how things are going to turn out, happen or how items are going to come into fruition. You cannot predict what is going to happen, and every situation you will deal with differently, this is where you learn. You learn from your mistakes, and situations. If you don’t learn, you don’t grow and aren’t able to take something from it.


So I am a photographer. I still don’t feel pro. I carry on with a professional attitude in my business.

So there is still the question “when did you feel professional” depending upon your terminology of the word.

I’m a photographer, that’s all that you need to know.

{Girl Behind The Lens} Journey Into Photography...Part 2

So I left you on the last proper {Girl Behind The Lens} post about the start of my Journey into photography, and how starting my Career as an Assistant Manager, and the circumstances which surrounded it kicked my career into Photography…

I remember going for the interview for the Assistant Manager Job a glorious day and I took a wrong direction. Ended up going back to the place I found after my interview. Gorgeous rapeseed field, with white fluffy clouds and beautiful blue sky….that was May and I found out that day that I had the job.

Not that long after my Boyfriend (at the time) decided that we should go back to being friends…I didn’t let it phase me. I continued being interested in photography and finding out more and more within my new job and fitting in.

In the August the (Ex) Boyfriend and I had a major argument, then my Dad had a heart attack and in the process of all this I purchased the Pentax K10D. We ended up having a coach holiday to Ireland, which was beautiful - but didn’t really replace the Med Cruise Mum, Dad and I were meant to be going on.

One of my favourite images taken in Ireland

After our trip I joined the local Camera Club and entered some images on the night, including one that placed 18^th out of 36 images. Not bad for a picture that was taken during a moving bus ride through the window with a point and shoot camera...



The Competition Image


From this I ended as a Second Shooter, and I have to say I enjoyed my time as a Second Shooter and learnt lots about Studio work etc too. My Work Colleagues kept saying I was wasted in my job.
On 21^st June 2008 - my last day as Assistant Manager, and I got a part time job to focus more on the second shooting opportunities for the more you work at it the more you get out of it.

My First Portrait Session with a Colleagues Grandchild. December 2007.

This continued, and I shot Weddings, and lots of people and portraits in the studio, finding my style, my creativity and what I wanted to become as a photographer. Not always agreeing with people (and I will argue where needed!) and then it eventually became the big decision to go on my own…

This image caused discussion at the Camera Club as they believed I should have airbrushed out the dark crease on the childs head. a SEVEN WEEK OLD BABY. I argued that the reason women had such a distorted views on themselves was because some men were so flippant with the need to be "perfect"

The decision wasn’t because I didn’t like the person I was second shooting for. Wasn’t because I didn’t like my job. Wasn’t because I doubted myself…it was because I was beginning to hate it. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to shoot how I wanted to shoot (as a second shooter I know you cant!) and then I had a couple of friends getting married in 2010 who wanted me to photograph their wedding.

The HDR Phase. I never could do it "just a bit" but it worked really well for this shot at Leeds.
You Can't See Me!

The last Wedding I photographed as a second shooter was September 2009. The first Wedding Fayre I did was October 2009 and my first Wedding in October 2009...and then the journey really began.

One of my favourite idea shots. I had this idea in my head with Andi's Triquetra and went down to take the photograph
I have the unedited version too if anyone is interested in seeing it.

 

{Girl Behind The Lens} The Photoshoot

Now...I do have to say I keep getting told - to learn how it is to be infront of the camera...actually BE infront of the camera....

Well...I decided to do that to get some shots for this blog - something I can use on a post by post basis, and also to help people get up some more bits and pieces.

Well..Connie came up from Lincoln, and we got chatting and did some shots etc - I hated it. Kinda warmed into it - and am OK with some of the results...(I still dont like having my photograph taken!)

So...here are a few for your viewing pleasure....be nice! It was my first time modelling, and Connie's First Time shooting in the studio - editing has been done by me!

{Girl Behind The Lens} The Journey Into Photography

My 2nd Birthday Party with my Cousin. I'm the one in the Silver Wig...

Ok…so it looks officially like Monday’s are for the main {Girl Behind The Lens} Blog Posts! I have decided. It works quite well too, because unless I have a Wedding on, Sunday’s are generally the best day for me to write them. James goes to work at 9pm and I’m home alone till now, when my parents arrive home. I was just about to start the post when they started being noisy and distracting, so brought myself upstairs to write this so that you guys can have it today!

First of all I would just like to say that I was totally overwhelmed to the first official {Girl Behind The Lens} post, so many people telling me that it was so nice to see an honest and open post. If I cannot be myself, with myself in my life, and especially within my musings, then really - when can I be myself? I have self doubts that my real self will never be good enough - but you know what…TOUGH!

A lot of people have been asking how I got in photography and really where my love of photography came from.

When I was little, I loved taking photographs, I loved looking at photographs, I loved hearing stories about what happened the times the photographs were taken. They were memories, snapshots, a moment trapped and treasured forever. They couldn’t be broken.

These three Guys, the reason I believe Pictures never change, even when the people do.
We used to have "Guys Nights Out" and all through the fun, and laughs, there were some tears.
All three are friends on Facebook, the one in the middle, is now one of my past clients, having done
his wedding to Victoria in August last year.

One of my favourite quotations is “pictures never change - even when the people in them do” because it is so true. No matter what goes off, or goes wrong, if you look at a photograph you are transported back to there, when it was taken, who you were with, and it sparks off a memory. This is the underlying passion for my photography, because I know how looking at older photographs makes me feel. It reminds me of the things I thought I had forgotten about, the good times. It reminds me of the sad times, the friends I no longer have. But it also reminds me of me…and how I’ve changed and where I’ve come from and to, and how I’ve grown, and developed over the time. (I promise there wont be too many puns!)

This post isn’t going to cover how I got into photography…its more going to get up to the point of getting into the photographer, its like the beginning chapter, a taster to make you want to read on.

I remember being about 3 or 4 when I had my first camera, or at least, loved taking photographs. Some of the photographs I’ve taken, probably show that I was probably younger than that when I developed the need to take photographs of Barbie and Ken against a door and posing. Maybe its just fate I should become a Wedding Photographer!

I remember being visited at home by the Headmaster of the Primary School I was going to, and hiding behind the door, with a camera. It had no film in it, but I kept jumping from behind the door - pretending to take photographs. I’m a little more stealth like now…I hope!

The scowl in the photograph should say it all. I still hate having my photograph taken now.

If you’re reading this and there’s old photographs to accompany this entry, be happy…I’m riffling through them whilst I am also typing this entry…there could be some fun ones, some strange ones, and some obscure ones, but at the end its all about the journey, and how I am where I am today….

Ok…I totally got distracted by the photographs - I have a really big pile but going to narrow some down and get them scanned in tomorrow morning.

I never had dreams or aspirations to become a photographer, it wasn’t something that was “heard” of much. Most people became a miner, or worked in retail, or became a teacher, or a nurse. BIG aspirations. A photographer never focussed on the forefront - nor did being self employed. I wanted to be a nurse, or a teacher. I didn’t want to be a Doctor, that was too much hard work and responsibility…a nurse helped and looked after people. I remember when my Nan was in hospital, when the nurses used to wear paper hats clipped into their hair (seriously I AM only 26!) and they gave me one so I could pretend to be a nurse. We have no photographs of it, as Nan was in hospital. Now it would have been snapped with a camera phone, and therefore captured forever.

I went through school, doing relatively well in my Exam’s mostly Bs & Cs (one D in RE, the lesson I was mainly bullied in. Quite funny considering it was a Catholic School!)
I couldn’t decide what to do at College, I did think about becoming a Physics teacher. I studied, Geography, Physics, Maths and Psychology. Then I did first year maths again (it was bloody hard work!), second year physics and psychology, and first year English. I wasn’t confident. I didn’t particularly like college. I went through some bad times when I was there, met some fantastic people and lost some good friends. I planned on doing 3-years at College, to get a variety of A levels and AS Levels then go to Uni when I had decided what I wanted to do…In my 3rd Year I was studying, second year English and Georgraphy, First year Law and Media...I hated Media and it was pointless.

A scan of some of my fantastic College and Millennium Volunteer friends.
We were on a night out and one Pub always took polaroids for I think £2

In my 3^rd year of college I dropped out. I wanted to drop Media and the college said no. If I didn’t attend I would be kicked out. I told them what to do - and got a full time job within a week…

My working career started at 17 when I started college (oh to be a September baby!) and literally I’ve done lots of weird and wonderful things. I can sell you a bed, to a bathroom, to a PC or an Engagement Ring. I can change a watch battery and shorten a strap, as well as know the entire process of most Jewellery related items. I can tell you all about Pawn Broking and Pay-Day Advances, and sell you a speed loan - but that’s mainly just because I’m awesome.

Old Wembly. Barnsley VS Ipswich. Year 2000

What happened upon starting my Career as an Assistant Manager, and the circumstances which also surrounded it. I never knew that it would be the start of a rollercoaster ride of emotions, chances, dreams and aspirations….and the most important journey to start doing things for me. Jewellery trade looked to be the way I was going, eventually to be running my own shop (for a company) and then also doing training for the company along side that....I didnt think starting work there would be the start of the Journey to where I am now...

{Girl Behind The Lens} Copying Vs Inspiration

Whilst I know that this blog is really about learning more about me and my business today I’m going to write a little post on what really irks me with the industry, and life in general.

I don’t know whether it’s the social media and people trying to make their feelings known to other business’ but there is a big deal at the minute of things being copied, and everyone is copying something of someone’s.
If this was an issue, then surely Pizza Hut and Pizza Express for instance were in trouble - I mean surely the business models are different but the outcome is the same - they both sell and make pizza!

But anyway, this post isn’t about pizza’s its about what it stands for.

To see someone do something and for you to think “I could do that” is inspiration. For you then to go and do that, and put your own spin on it - is to some people copying. Its not though is it? And then people think “this person is going to drive me out of business” and for why? Because they’re underselling you? No..

People sell things, and generally they either like them or they don’t. They either like the price or they don’t. If you are looking for something specific, and it’s a unique product and you only know one company that sells it - you have no choice.

James is currently looking to purchase a house and the estate agent has been terrible - however, we really like the house so we have no choice.

When I was buying my car, I went to several different people. I knew what I was looking for it was just finding the right thing for the right price.

Look how many famous artists have been “copied” and a lot very successfully. But a real piece of art will go for millions more.

What I’m getting at is unless things are patented or copyrighted you really don’t have a leg to stand on and cannot complain about being copied.

Now the copying I’m not talking about is ripping off websites word for word and stealing pictures. I’m talking crafts and people doing similar things. People could have done what you do for years, but never had the presence. People may think “that’s so unique” - people will use different products, wont spend as much on marketing, and therefore wont charge as much - its like pricing in any industry. So they’re then not copying you AND undercutting you to steal your business - they’re just doing it for them.

I looked at purchasing some gorgeous things for my friends baby, and in the end I took inspiration and made him something myself. Now - this would be seen as “copying” to some people - and its not. I took time, effort, and did it my own way. If people then get in touch and see it and want something similar I’ll do some more. I’m even thinking of doing craft fayres locally that are “cheap” but just to give me something different - am I copying? No…its just a sideline - and something that people wont have seen much around here. Will I be undercutting? Probably…because It’s then a side of the business - and not the bread and butter it’s an “option” and a “hobby”. Will it take off? Who knows…am I worried? No - because its an option not the main part of my business.

Its like photography, there are a lot of us about. We all do same/similar things. Some people complain that there are too many and its driving down the cost of the business in what we do. I’ve been going 18months and put my prices up. Twice. I price myself on a structure that works for me, that brides relate to. I’ve spoke to other people and its not worked for them. It works for me. Am I undercutting people? Some yes. But in a way not…

What I’m trying to say is if you worry too much about what is happening out there, then you’re wasting energy. If you’re a damn good business, then you’ll make it if you have the determination, and the ones that’s “copying you” will either do well, or you wont hear from them in 6months time…stick to what you do - make you your own unique selling point and no one can copy or compete with that.